Archive for the ‘Morning Wood’ Category

Monday Morning Wood April 16th

Posted: April 16, 2012 by centennialsports in Morning Wood

By Dane Belbeck

This was my nurse Edith


I had surgery this past week on my lower back/top of my ass that left a wound needing to be packed with gauze every other day for a week. On a list of things I never hope to experience again, this particular injury finds itself between wearing Joseph’s technicolour dream coat into a biker bar and the stomach pain associated with drinking a 24 of coke in 4 hours. (I had an interesting childhood…don’t ask) A few things I learned with this injury are: Do not drink McDonalds milkshakes when you cannot sit down to use the toilet, spraying cologne twice daily for a week is not an acceptable substitute for a shower, do not trust Jamaican nurses named Edith (aka the Executioner), no matter how much pain you are in, the guy next to you is probably in worse shape (in this case Mr “I take 20 percocets a day and wonder why I developed an addiction” next to me) and when choosing a girlfriend, make sure they aren’t against shaving certain areas of your body for bandaging reasons (Shout out to the russian rocket). Anyway if you are going to sustain an injury that will make you bed or couch-ridden for a period of time, right now is just about perfect, so here’s what caught my eye this weekend…

1. Playoff Hockey

Oh to be a Penguins fan right now. Fleury is letting in softies, Crosby is fighting Giroux, 18-year-old’s are dominating them. This is probably next to happen. Everything is out of whack in the NHL playoffs right now. The Kings are up 3-0 on Vancouver, the Flyers are up 3-0 on Pittsburgh and both can close out the series at home. The Penguins have lost their minds and are showing as much control as a wealthy businessman in a strip club on an out of town trip. Every series seems to have a few things in common…excessive fighting and overtime. This is commonly referred to as awesomeness. I mean if you are the NHL and someone is creating Jim Ross WWE voice-over videos, you have to be happy right?

2. Hooters Tour

This guy weighs 215 apparently.....and Hayden Panettiere called me last night for a date

Tuned into CBS for the PGA tourney at Harbour Town and I got the Hooters Tour. No I don’t mean pro golfers who should probably give it up because they are barely staying afloat on a 4th tier tour, I mean actual hooters, like breasts, man boobs, fat men. Turns out it was the Harbour Town tourney which should probably change it’s name to the Heavyweight Invitational because here’s four of the names in the top 6 and their PGA.com listed weight…
Carl Pettersson (195lbs), Colt Knost (215lbs), Kevin Stadler (250lbs), and Boo Weekley(210lbs). Apparently the PGA tour only measures their players with one leg on the weight scale because Carl Pettersson weighing 195 pounds and Colt Knost weighing

Now that's an athlete if I have ever seen one

215 pounds makes as much sense as these song lyrics. I’m the leader of the charge when it comes to arguing that golfers are athletes, but this weekend’s tournament isn’t exactly strengthening my argument. Perhaps Andy Roddick said it best

3. Blue Jays

So much optimism following the first two series of the season for the Jays. The usual bottom-feeder Orioles in town, and the Jays should be clear-cut first place. And then Brett Lawrie decides to try and steal home with the bases loaded and Jose Bautista up. John Farrell decides to let 81-year-old pitcher Darren Oliver face two right handers in the 8th inning of a one run game. If anything he should have let this happen on Sunday during Jackie Robinson Day since Oliver is the last active major leaguer to have played with Robinson. Next thing you know the crowd at the Rogers Center is doing the wave in the 8th inning of a tie game and the Jays lose two of three from the O’s. Note to people attending baseball games, the wave is a sorry excuse for people at the game who do not like, or understand, baseball. If you must indulge in such stupid behaviour please do so in the first three innings when the crowd needs to manufacture excitement. If you have to manufacture excitement in the 8th inning of a tie game by doing the wave, just stay home and watch Wayne’s World instead, it’s the same thing…

4. Kings-Canucks anthem singers

I’ve had Blue Jays, Raptors and TFC season tickets over the past three years. I’ve attended atleast 75 live sporting events in this time. Not once have I made it in time for the national anthem. I’ve always been okay with having another round quick at the bar and then heading into the game during the first inning. So Sunday night I’m watching the LA Kings-Vancouver Canucks game three from Staples Center, and this little hottie trots out to perform the Canadian national anthem.

(yes I know shes singing the American anthem in this video but I couldn’t find last night’s). And just when I think Rachel Stark is going to be my favourite part of the weekend, Pia Toscano starts belting out the Star Spangled Banner. For those who don’t know Pia, well your welcome….

For some reason most teams seem to think we want to hear old men sing us the Anthems, such as Rene Rancourt in Boston or Mark Donnelly in Vancouver. Um no, we want Rachel and Pia and we want them over and over again.

Monday Morning Wood (April 9)

Posted: April 9, 2012 by centennialsports in Morning Wood

By Dane Belbeck

It’s Easter weekend and let’s just say there’s more then one thing that has risen this weekend. Easter weekend to most people means Turkey or ham dinners. Going to church and seeing the “Twice a year crew” (The people that attend church only on Easter and Christmas Eve because ‘it’s the right thing to do’). Easter egg hunts and a whole lot of chocolate. Well to me it means amazing sports weekend, which all of my ex-girlfriends will say is my description to every weekend, but it’s actually true this weekend. So here’s why I had a my own rising in my underware this weekend…

1. BUBBBBBBAAAAAA

He has long shaggy hair and uses a pink driver. He wears all white whether it’s before or after labour day. He buttons his golf shirts up to the top. He has shaggy, mullet-like hair and drives the original General Lee. His name is Bubba … and now he is a Masters Champion. Bubba Watson won the 2012 Masters in a playoff on Sunday over Louis Oostheiz…Oustheizen…um the South African dude who won the British Open. Bubba is the longest player on tour, known for bombing the ball off the tee, but it was this wedge on the 2nd playoff hole which one him the tournament…

Now you may have noticed you couldn’t see anything resembling a green in Bubba’s view when he hit the shot. This is because the man had to hit a rising wedge with a 40-yard hook on it to get anywhere on the green. To put in to perspective how miraculous this shot was, Louis made a double eagle 2 on the 2nd hole on Sunday, which had never been done before ever, and nobody remembers it because of this shot. Bubba’s wife has already tweeted that he will probably serve In-N-Out Burger at the Champions Dinner at Augusta next year … What a beauty! Bubba Golf is here to stay.

2. OK…..BLUE JAYS

Somebody is about to get crushed in the dugout

The Red Sox and Yankees are both 0-3. Baltimore and Tampa are both 3-0 and the Blue Jays are 2-1 following the first series of the 2012 MLB season. So it’s just like everyone expected it to be right? The Blue Jays two wins came in dramatic fashion with both ending up 7-4 in extra innings. While the Jays may have lost a tight 4-3 game on Sunday, there are a large number of positives to take out of the opening series in Cleveland. First off Rajai Davis and Kelly Johnson don’t suck, which is awesome, Brandon Morrow still has unbelievable stuff. Our bullpen is nasty and we can actually use that term positively for the first time in years. And do not get in Brett Lawrie’s way when he is on a ‘I just scored the tying run’ sprint to the dugout (It’s almost like he was coached by Gregg Williams). If the Jays season is going to be half as exciting as the opening series please keep an AED on site when you watch, cuz this is some nerve-wracking stuff.

3. UNITED

Eating Taco Bell before meeting your girlfriends parents for the first time … Purchasing chinese food from a restaurant with only white people working the kitchen … Responding to HeftyGirl42’s message on Plenty Of Fish about wanting to get to know you. These are all things you definitely shouldn’t do. You should also not be leaving Paul Scholes open from 25 yards to blast away at your helpless keeper. I can’t count how many crackers the Ginger Prince has scored over the years but it’s more then Larry King has wives which is saying alot. Scholesy’s thunderbolt on Sunday versus Queens Park Rangers,

coupled with an Arsenal win over Manchester City, gave United a practically insurmountable eight point lead in their quest for their 20th Premier League crown. Another year, another title for Ferguson’s Red Devils, it’s almost getting boring how easily they handle the EPL … almost.

4. MILA KUNIS

I watched that 70’s show fairly regularly and sure Mila Kunis was sort of hot, but the clothing of the 70’s never did her justice. Since the show ended she’s launched a fairly successful movie career. I happened to watch the movie Friends with Benefits on the weekend, and this Ukrainian born 28-year-old blew Justin Timberlake off the screen (which to anyone who knows me, knows of my man crush for JT, so that’s hard to do). Lotta good stuff coming out of the former Soviet Union these days. Despite her knockout looks, this one could come with a little bit of baggage though. Anyone who dated Macaulay Culkin for eight years may have some deep rooted issues that need addressing. She just might be worth it though.

Mid-Week Morning Wood (April 5th)

Posted: April 5, 2012 by centennialsports in Morning Wood

By Dane Belbeck

Blake Griffin aka the Red Bull


It’s 2am on a Thursday morning and it’s blatantly obvious I will not be sleeping anytime soon. It’s April and there is way too much fanastic sports stuff going on right now. NBA and NHL Playoffs firing up soon, The Masters this weekend, NFL Draft right around the corner, drunken TFC experiences in full swing, and of course me firing darts from 200+ at long par 4’s. With all this excitement it’s easy to get confused as to why I wake up with a full tent pitched every morning. Well here are the reasons it’s happening Thursday…

1. Blake show

April 5th, 2012 let it be known the Blake Griffin will be known as the Bull…because we haven’t seen a Spaniard get dominated as easily as Blake did since this…

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, the Los Angeles Lakers played the Los Angeles Clippers on Wednesday night in the battle of the Staples Center, and apparently Blake ate some bad spanish food this week and wanted to take it out on Pau Gasol…

He wasn’t done there…

Might wanna make like a matador and step aside next time Pau, cuz you just got gored.

2. Masters Kick-off

It was Christmas Eve for any golf fan Wednesday night as it was the night before the Masters, because as we all know, nothing says golf like a club that is known for blatant racism and prejudice against women right? Yes the Masters is kind of cheesy, and yes Jim Nantz is quickly running out of friends to say hello to with his Masters lingo, but the golf tournament always makes for some dramatic theatre, and when Tiger is in the mix (which he is every Masters) golf is just way more interesting. Will Rory have another huge meltdown? Will Tiger keep his hot streak alive after winning at Bay Hill? Will I win over 600 dollars on my 126/1 bet on Kyle Stanley to win? Will anything more impressive then this Martin Kaymer shot from a practice round on Tuesday happen?

We will know the answers to these questions Sunday evening. Just do not tell me the Masters doesn’t really start until the back nine on Sunday, because I can not sustain my Masters wood for that long.

3. Blue Jays are Back

The Jays kick-off another season, and a very important one, with a 3:05pm start time in Cleveland Thursday (The Mets also start tommorrow at 1:10pm but if I begin to talk about them this will turn into a 5000 word essay and I will sob uncontrollably). Is this the season the Jays finally make the next step and fulfill their potential that has people calling them the “Tampa Bay of the North?” Solid looking team overall this year for the Jays, and with the addition of an additional wild card playoff position, the chances of the Jays making the postseason has definitely increased. Obviously the area of concern is the starting rotation, that and Brett Lawrie getting arrested for punching a Batboy after a 3rd inning flyout in a May regular season game (love the intensity though). Let’s just hope the Jays make the playoffs because we seriously need an update on the song from their last postseason run.

4. Dance Dance Revolution

Having a cheerleading/dancing Russian for a girlfriend means I’m surrounded by dancing and revolution…and vodka of course. Well it also means I have watched a few dance television shows in my day. How this man does not have his own show is a travesty that needs to be rectified immediately. Yes it’s 5 minutes long but you need to watch this entire thing, thank me later…

Monday Morning Wood (April 2nd)

Posted: April 2, 2012 by centennialsports in Morning Wood

By Dane Belbeck

Everyone out has dealt with a morning wood at some point in their lives, whether it be directly or indirectly. Morning wood to men poses an important question … Do I take care of this morning wood before I attempt to pee this morning or do I somehow give the ole “deep-knee bend, ass out, awkwardly try to hit the bowl” urination and get my day going? If you are a women it’s likely you have been victimized by your partner’s romantics at 7am with “Wanna help me take care of this?”, or perhaps just felt the poking during an early morning spoon session.

Regardless it affects everybody. Here are the reasons why I’m going to be missing the toilet this morning…

1. ANCHORMAN 2!

The O.J. Simpson Verdict … the Magic Johnson HIV annoucement … 9/11 … Crosby’s golden goal for Canada … The Miracle on Ice. All of these are events that the television audiences in North America will never forget where they were when they happened. It’s time to add one more to that list…

That’s right folks, a sequel to the greatest cinematic production ever released is coming to a screen near you in the not so distant future. The Channel Four news team is coming back, and I may just eat a whole wheel of cheese in excitement. Sign me up for opening night, cuz this is one morning wood that cannot be walked off…
http://www.metacafe.com/fplayer/148218/anchorman_massive_erection.swf

The Boys of Summer are Back


2. Baseball is Back

Spring Training baseball is usually mindless entertainment that degenerate gamblers can bet on. The starters rarely play much and games are often decided by guys who will not be on the Major League rosters come April. Last season’s World Series champion St Louis Cardinals went 14-16 in the spring while the Kansas City Royals had the league’s best spring training record at 20-10. The same Royals who would finish the season 71-91 in the American League Central. As a massive baseball fan I just can’t wait for spring training to finish so the real ball can start. Despite the first four sentences of this post claiming spring training records don’t matter, it’s impossible for any Torontonian to not be ridiculously pumped about the Blue Jays 23-6 record in Florida. What really gets me pumped for baseball season though is a spring training dustup between former teammates who don’t like each other and now finally have a chance to show it Play Ball!

3. NCAA Hoops Final

The Madness ends tonight with the finals between heavily favoured #1 seed Kentucky and #2 seed Kansas. Overall it’s been a decent year for the tournament, especially with two #15 seeds knocking off two #2 seeds in the same day. The tournament has yet to feature a Buzzer beater though which can be directly related to the absence of Mr. March Madness himself Gus Johnson. I think the game will be alot closer then everyone seems to think, but in the end Michael Kidd-Gilchrist will be the difference and Kentucky wins at the end. Both teams should just be glad that Stanford didn’t make the tournament because they have this guy on their side…(Disclaimer- you will be fired up after watching this movie….remove breakable objects from the scene)

4. Masters Week

Masters week is upon us and if girl’s could get morning wood let’s just say the Golf Girl would have a rager. Now I realize discussing a prestigious and dignified event such as the Masters in a column named Morning Wood is somewhat blasphemous, but I cannot help myself when things like this are happening…

It’s hard not to lay down money on Masters odds, but at 9/2 Tiger is not getting my cash. Look for Luke Donald at 16/1 and Lee Westwood at 18/1 to lead a British invasion at Augusta and hopefully put some cash into this man’s wallet.

Until next time, keep it tucked in public.