Monday Morning Wood April 16th

Posted: April 16, 2012 by centennialsports in Morning Wood

By Dane Belbeck

This was my nurse Edith

I had surgery this past week on my lower back/top of my ass that left a wound needing to be packed with gauze every other day for a week. On a list of things I never hope to experience again, this particular injury finds itself between wearing Joseph’s technicolour dream coat into a biker bar and the stomach pain associated with drinking a 24 of coke in 4 hours. (I had an interesting childhood…don’t ask) A few things I learned with this injury are: Do not drink McDonalds milkshakes when you cannot sit down to use the toilet, spraying cologne twice daily for a week is not an acceptable substitute for a shower, do not trust Jamaican nurses named Edith (aka the Executioner), no matter how much pain you are in, the guy next to you is probably in worse shape (in this case Mr “I take 20 percocets a day and wonder why I developed an addiction” next to me) and when choosing a girlfriend, make sure they aren’t against shaving certain areas of your body for bandaging reasons (Shout out to the russian rocket). Anyway if you are going to sustain an injury that will make you bed or couch-ridden for a period of time, right now is just about perfect, so here’s what caught my eye this weekend…

1. Playoff Hockey

Oh to be a Penguins fan right now. Fleury is letting in softies, Crosby is fighting Giroux, 18-year-old’s are dominating them. This is probably next to happen. Everything is out of whack in the NHL playoffs right now. The Kings are up 3-0 on Vancouver, the Flyers are up 3-0 on Pittsburgh and both can close out the series at home. The Penguins have lost their minds and are showing as much control as a wealthy businessman in a strip club on an out of town trip. Every series seems to have a few things in common…excessive fighting and overtime. This is commonly referred to as awesomeness. I mean if you are the NHL and someone is creating Jim Ross WWE voice-over videos, you have to be happy right?

2. Hooters Tour

This guy weighs 215 apparently.....and Hayden Panettiere called me last night for a date

Tuned into CBS for the PGA tourney at Harbour Town and I got the Hooters Tour. No I don’t mean pro golfers who should probably give it up because they are barely staying afloat on a 4th tier tour, I mean actual hooters, like breasts, man boobs, fat men. Turns out it was the Harbour Town tourney which should probably change it’s name to the Heavyweight Invitational because here’s four of the names in the top 6 and their listed weight…
Carl Pettersson (195lbs), Colt Knost (215lbs), Kevin Stadler (250lbs), and Boo Weekley(210lbs). Apparently the PGA tour only measures their players with one leg on the weight scale because Carl Pettersson weighing 195 pounds and Colt Knost weighing

Now that's an athlete if I have ever seen one

215 pounds makes as much sense as these song lyrics. I’m the leader of the charge when it comes to arguing that golfers are athletes, but this weekend’s tournament isn’t exactly strengthening my argument. Perhaps Andy Roddick said it best

3. Blue Jays

So much optimism following the first two series of the season for the Jays. The usual bottom-feeder Orioles in town, and the Jays should be clear-cut first place. And then Brett Lawrie decides to try and steal home with the bases loaded and Jose Bautista up. John Farrell decides to let 81-year-old pitcher Darren Oliver face two right handers in the 8th inning of a one run game. If anything he should have let this happen on Sunday during Jackie Robinson Day since Oliver is the last active major leaguer to have played with Robinson. Next thing you know the crowd at the Rogers Center is doing the wave in the 8th inning of a tie game and the Jays lose two of three from the O’s. Note to people attending baseball games, the wave is a sorry excuse for people at the game who do not like, or understand, baseball. If you must indulge in such stupid behaviour please do so in the first three innings when the crowd needs to manufacture excitement. If you have to manufacture excitement in the 8th inning of a tie game by doing the wave, just stay home and watch Wayne’s World instead, it’s the same thing…

4. Kings-Canucks anthem singers

I’ve had Blue Jays, Raptors and TFC season tickets over the past three years. I’ve attended atleast 75 live sporting events in this time. Not once have I made it in time for the national anthem. I’ve always been okay with having another round quick at the bar and then heading into the game during the first inning. So Sunday night I’m watching the LA Kings-Vancouver Canucks game three from Staples Center, and this little hottie trots out to perform the Canadian national anthem.

(yes I know shes singing the American anthem in this video but I couldn’t find last night’s). And just when I think Rachel Stark is going to be my favourite part of the weekend, Pia Toscano starts belting out the Star Spangled Banner. For those who don’t know Pia, well your welcome….

For some reason most teams seem to think we want to hear old men sing us the Anthems, such as Rene Rancourt in Boston or Mark Donnelly in Vancouver. Um no, we want Rachel and Pia and we want them over and over again.


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